


Sirius Black, Blushing

by HermioneGirl96



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, POV First Person, POV Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 03:59:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13696431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermioneGirl96/pseuds/HermioneGirl96
Summary: Only one person in the world can make Sirius Black blush. This is, of course, the person from whom Sirius most wants to conceal his biggest secret, but it's also the person who's most likely to bother trying to figure it out.





	Sirius Black, Blushing

Remus is talking about Caroline. He's always talking about Caroline. It's better when Prongs is around; then they both talk about their girlfriends, and sometimes we get caught up in some joke or other Prongs is planning. Not so much anymore—Lily keeps him on the straight and narrow most of the time—but, once in a while, there's still a joke.

I miss the old days.

Remus was single then.

I don't think much will come of his relationship with Caroline. How can it? They're not all that serious, as far as Remus is able to conscience dating someone _without_ being serious. Obviously, it isn't an open relationship or anything as casual as that, but no marriage plans are in the works (unlike some things I've heard from Prongs and Lily), and it doesn't look likely that any ever will be. It's just a seventh-year relationship, a last-ditch attempt on Remus's part to have a bit of fun before he's thrust out into the world without much chance at getting a decent job or having a decent life.

If I ever find the werewolf who bit him, I'm going to kill him.

"Sirius?"

"What?" I reply, jarred back into focus. I zoned out there for a minute.

"You weren't listening, were you?" Remus asks.

I feel myself blush. Damn it, I never blush! Not when it's anyone other than Remus, anyway. "No," I admit. "Sorry."

Remus waves a hand. It's a lovely hand, though it pains me to see the scratches still left from his last transformation, along with the old, huge scars from some of his worst moments in his wolfish form. "Don't apologize. I'm the one who should be sorry. I must be horribly boring. You should have stopped me. Caroline's all I talk about, isn't she? Damn, I'm getting one-track-minded. After promising I'd never sound like Prongs! I'm even worse than he is, aren't I? I'm really sorry. I've been such an idiot lately. Damn it, now I'm prattling. Sorry."

Is _he_ blushing? Can't be.

"Don't worry about it," I say. It takes real effort not to say more. Not to say that he'll never need to apologize for anything, that I love him and he's perfect and he could never do anything I'd really hate.

There's a long pause, and I start to wonder why Remus isn't reaching for his textbooks like he usually does when he's reminded that there is, in fact, more to the world than Caroline. Then I get my answer, and it's not what I had expected. "Sirius?" Remus asks. "Have you . . . have you ever been in love?"

Damn it, Remus, couldn't you have asked _anything_ else?

A long time ago, when Prongs and Wormtail and I discovered that Remus is a werewolf, we made a pact not to lie to or mislead each other. It wasn't a tell-all promise—that was far too girly for our tastes as 13-year-olds, and probably would be voted down as too revealing if we brought it up again now—but it basically said that we had to answer questions from each other honestly. Recently, I've suspected Wormtail of breaking it, but lying to Prongs or Remus is still beyond my capacity. To Wormtail, I could probably manage it, and Merlin knows I can and do lie to just about everyone else I know, but it's different with Prongs and Remus. It really would feel wrong to lie to them. Even when I so desperately don't want to tell the truth.

I try evasion instead. "Why do you want to know?"

Remus shrugs. "Curiosity, partly. And partly that I want to have an opinion from someone other than Prongs on what it's like. 'Cause all relationships can't be like his with Lily, you know? There have to be other ways of falling in love. And I want to know if I've achieved it, or if I'm not even remotely close—but there I go on the Caroline tangent again, don't I? Sorry."

I'm quiet, hoping to get away with not answering the question.

"So, have you?"

Part of me wants to tell him everything. Part of me wants to hide everything. And part of me hopes that maybe, maybe, I could get the biggest part of the secret off of my chest without telling him everything. "Can I not answer this question?" I ask.

Remus looks a little hurt, and I feel my heart twinge just seeing that look on his face. "Why?" he asks, not comprehending at all. "Are you afraid that I'll laugh?"

I look down at my lap. "Kind of." I can feel the blush all over my face, and it's absolutely mortifying that Remus is right there to see it.

"Come on, who is she?" Remus sounds really curious now, as curious as we were about his being a werewolf. Well, they are similar kinds of secrets—the kind that could make even your best friends hate you, theoretically. "Or _was_ she," he adds, "if you're over her now."

"Will you promise that, no matter what I say next, you won't run away screaming, or hate me, or laugh?" I whisper, still staring at my hands.

Remus comes over to me, kneels in front of me, and grasps my shoulders. Electricity shoots through me from the contact, and, despite how terrified I am about what I'm finally about to admit, I have trouble holding back a smile.

"Look at me," Remus commands.

I want to say that there's nothing in the world I'd rather do, but, instead, I just raise my eyes until they're looking into his. He has beautiful eyes, gold and green and brown all mixed together. I'm blushing harder, just thinking about his eyes.

"Sirius Orion Black, listen to me," Remus orders. Even for such a serious guy, this is a grave tone. "I've known you for seven years and you are one of my best friends. I live with you, I eat with you, I have classes with you, I pull pranks with you, I even spend my vacations with you. I evidently don't know everything about you, but I know you pretty damn well. If there was anything about you that was going to make me run away, I would have seen it by now. No matter what you tell me, I already know you far too well and care about you far too much to let it affect my opinion of you."

I can't help dropping my gaze. It's too much of a compliment, especially considering what I'm about to say. "Thank you," I manage.

"So, what's the big secret?" Remus asks in a lighter tone.

I don't want to say it. I don't want to say it. I don't want to say it.

"Come on, Sirius, I promise I won't think any worse of you for it, whatever it is."

Now, while I have the nerve. Someone has to know. Maybe it'll be a relief to get it off my chest.

"The person I love," I say, and my voice cracks. I clear my throat, blushing worse than I've ever blushed in my life. "The person I love," I repeat, "is not a girl."

"A woman?" Remus asks. "We're almost all of age by now."

I have to spell it out for him? "No, not a woman. Not female."

Silence.

"Remus, I'm gay."

"Oh." There's a pause. "Well, I'm a werewolf."

Well, that could have been worse. I guess. Or better. I wish he'd keep talking. Not just so I can listen to his mellifluous voice—I want more information about what he thinks.

"So, um, have you told anyone else?"

I stare at my shoes. "No."

Suddenly there are arms around me. His arms. Oh Merlin.

"What was that for?" I ask when my brain starts to make sense again.

"I just—I'm sorry, I'm really bad at this—I just want you to know you're still one of my best friends. This doesn't change anything. I was just surprised. I'm sorry. I must have worried you, not saying anything at first. I'm really sorry."

"Merlin, Remus, quit apologizing," I tell him.

"Um, may I ask—"

Without letting him finish, I say, "I'd rather you didn't." I hate cutting him off, but he _can't_ know it's him. He _can't_.

"Oh. Right. Of course. Sorry."

He has no idea how much I want to kiss him.

I'm about to try to break the awkward silence with something, anything, when suddenly the door to the dorm opens. It's Prongs, back from his Head meeting with Lily. There's an easy smile on his face, the way there always is when he's just been with his girlfriend. "Hey, guys," he says. "What's up?"

Silence.


End file.
